Subject: Fathering the next generation
From: "Fatherhood Foundation" <[email-masked]>
To: "Warwick Marsh" <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 11 Jul 2004 07:47:58 +1000

Issue No. 98-12th July, 2004

visit us at www.fathersonline.org

Welcome to fathersonline.org

Marriage in Australia

Grandads

Laughter

Single Dads

Special Feature

Thought for the Week

News & Info

Dad's Prayer

Mission Statement & Help Us!

Welcome to fathersonline.org

Dear Warwick,

Our family has just come back from the annual Hillsong Conference held at the Superdome in Sydney’s Olympic Sports Centre.  It was officially opened by the treasurer, Hon Peter Costello. To say that this conference, which attracted 21,000 registered delegates from Australia and from around the world, was great, is simply a huge understatement of the fact.  The Hillsong Conference, over the last 18 years, has gone from strength to strength.  It first started in 1986 with one hundred and fifty delegates.  When we first attended in 1989 it had reached 400 delegates.  Our family’s musical touring schedule, always based around school holidays, has prevented us attending as delegates until the last two years.  At the present rate of growth, by 2010 AD, 100,000 will be coming to Sydney from all over the world to sing, learn, love, laugh and listen to what many people around the globe say is the best conference in the world.  Although the Hillsong Conference has strong musical roots it has over the years branched out into business, leadership, church media and arts streams.

What has this got to do with fatherhood you are probably asking?  The answer is – a lot!  Almost every speaker at the Hillsong Conference spoke, directly or indirectly about the generational impact of good and bad fathers.  Some of the stories were heart rending.  Joyce Meyers spoke about the devastation of being abused by her father physically and sexually for 15 years.  She mentioned her first broken marriage relationship and how dysfunctional she was because of her upbringing.  Joyce talked about how her faith in Christ had turned her life around.  She also shared how she had recently bought a house for her parents in their old age and how this simple act of unconditional love has brought healing to her father and their relationship.  Love is still the greatest force in the universe and forgiveness the greatest sign of true love.

Jentezen Franklin spoke about the generational effect of good fathering.  Social scientists traced the lineage of two different fathers born in the early 1700s.  Max Jukes was a drunken, immoral man with a criminal history who spent time in prison.  He had 1026 descendants.  Of those descendants, 150 spent time in gaol. Others were murderers, prostitutes, criminals and most suffered the effects of a dissolute lifestyle. In contrast Jonathan Edwards, a minister of the gospel who loved and spent time with his children on a regular basis, had 1029 descendants over the next three centuries.  Three hundred of his offspring were ministers, many others became college professors, judges, doctors, lawyers and holders of public office.  One of them became a vice president of the USA.  From a father’s point of view, these statistics are very scary because as fathers we can be a stepping stone for the next generation or a stumbling block.  Every deed produces a seed that goes into the next generation.  As fathers we are laying up a treasure of spiritual equity or iniquity for our children.

Darlene Zschech is a delightful and gracious women, totally unmoved by her massive worldwide success, who has sold almost a dozen gold records in Australia and has outsold John Farnham in global sales. One of her passions is the next generation and as fathers we can also learn something from her.  In Darlene’s keynote session she began with a sixteen year old singer from the Ukraine and finished by giving credit and opportunity to Steve Grace’s 12 year old son who sang a song of his own composition to the Sydney Superdome crowd.  Others throughout the week talked of the importance of future generations, but Darlene Zschech actually put her words into practice by providing opportunity for them.

Fathersonline.org is not a feel-good newsletter, but a challenge for you as a man and a father to rise to the occasion and live your life for your children and give them something no-one else can, your love!  The impact of your care and concern will live on in your children’s children.  Unfortunately your failures will do much the same!

Lovework

None of us are perfect.  There was one who was perfect, but we put him on a cross.  Acknowledge your imperfections to your family verbally and then work on your positives.  The only person you can change is yourself.  Don’t wait for a bolt of lightening, but begin the process of change today.  Being a father is a spiritual thing, that’s why we must actively seek God’s help if we are serious about becoming stepping stones for our children rather than stumbling blocks.  Real change begins on our knees, affects our heart and is seen in our actions.  Our children deserve the best we can offer them.  Let’s not hold back!

Yours for the next generation

Warwick Marsh

____________________________________________________________

Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 28 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 23 years to 11 years.  Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself.

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Marriage in Australia

Senator Guy Barnett    The Australian  27th April 2004

MARRIAGE, a bedrock institution worthy of protection, has endured for thousands of years across cultures and religions. It is a social

institution that benefits family members and society. It provides a solidly built  roof under which children are nurtured. It specifically benefits  children and is designed to ensure their welfare is maximised. There should be no doubt about its definition.

However, the commonly accepted definition - union between a man and a Woman - is under threat. If this definition is successfully challenged, the  institution's great value to our culture and society will be  irreversibly diminished. This is why parliament should codify in  legislation the existing common-law definition of marriage. Amazingly, there is no definition of marriage in the Marriage Act 1961, the Family Law Act 1975 or in our Constitution. Both pieces of legislation do however contain references to the traditional definition. For  example, under section 46 of the Marriage Act, civil celebrants are required to explain the nature of the relationship before solemnising a marriage with words to  the effect that marriage, according to law in Australia, is the union  of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily  entered into for life. The issue of the meaning of marriage has been raised in Australia  recently in a number of ways, among them the Family Court case of Kevin and Jennifer.

The Family Court said the words marriage and man in the Marriage Act  have a contemporary, everyday meaning. What exactly does this mean? Is the longstanding definition of marriage capable of transformation? Recent trends are worrying. It's one thing for homosexual couples to  have the same access as heterosexual couples to superannuation or  property. But it's another matter for them to claim the right to marriage.

Australian same sex-couples may try to change the law in this country by travelling to to a place such as Canada, the Netherlands, Belgium or Denmark and subsequently seeking judicial recognition in Australia of their marriage in an overseas jurisdiction. A notice of intent to do just this was given in February by Jason McCheyne and Adrian Tuazon from Melbourne, who had earlier flown to Canada to be married.

Australia is a party to the Hague Convention on Celebration and

Recognition of the Validity of Marriages. One of the obligations placed on Australia is to recognise marriages validly entered into in foreign countries. It is immaterial whether the foreign country is a party to the convention.

The convention does not define marriage. But it is recommended that

marriage 'shall be taken to refer to the institution of marriage in its  broadest, international sense'. Some unions are explicitly excluded from the convention - for instance, informal marriages and posthumous marriages. But same-sex marriages are not excluded. Neither are polygamous marriages.It is arguable that the Hague convention will enable, now or at some point in the future, foreign same-sex marriages to be recognised in Australia.

The great weakness for Australia is that existing arrangements mean

the accepted definition of marriage is vulnerable to redefinition on

the basis of what unions other countries choose to recognise as

marriage. Wherever possible, Australian law should be made in

Australia by Australians - and this law should prevail.

Although no state in the US officially recognises gay marriages, civil

unions between same-sex couples are legal in Vermont. In Massachusetts the state's Supreme Judicial Court has essentially legalised gay marriage by ruling that the state constitution requires recognition of gay marriages.

Recently some city mayors and local authorities in San Francisco, New York and New Mexico have defied their state laws and issued marriage Licenses to same-sex couples. Governors in these states have declared such marriages invalid under existing state law and sought injunctions to prevent further licences being issued. Some Canadian provinces, US states and European countries enable unions between same-sex partners to be registered, without  according them the same status as marriage. President George W. Bush has recently announced his intention to ban same-sex marriages.

To remove the growing doubt about the future of marriage as a

fundamental institution in society, I drafted a letter to the Prime

Minister that was signed by 30 of my federal Coalition colleagues and

it recommends federal amending legislation to achieve this objective. Marriage is a rock-solid institution. It's not a fashion to be updated.

_________________________________________________________

Guy Barnett is a federal Liberal senator

Sen. Barnett's email address:

Guy Barnett, Senator for Tasmania

Party: Liberal Party of Australia

Parliament Contact:

Tel: (02) 6277 3603

Fax: (02) 6277 3600

Email: [email-masked]

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Grandads

Overcoming Barriers to Grandfathering

I hope you enjoy a special kinship with your grandchildren. It’s one of life’s most precious opportunities. My good friend Chuck Aycock studies and encourages grandfathers. He has noticed that some granddads aren’t fully engaged with their grandkids because they’re held back by two life-stage barriers. I want to make you aware of those barriers, so you can hurdle them and move forward with your grandkids.

First, you may have a limited view of your remaining years. Even if you have potentially thirty or forty years of life left, you may be living as though the best years are in the past. Maybe you think that forty years in the workforce have earned you the right to take it easy. Well, that‘s hogwash. The world may say, “Slow down.” But, if you listen to your heart, you’ll hear it saying, “What’s next? I’m eager and willing.” You can still have ever-expanding horizons and a passion for life that will never die. Don’t miss out on that.

The second potential barrier involves the relationship with your children. Your son or daughter is like a gate-keeper between you and your grandchildren, so tension or unresolved pain in that relationship can cause hindrances with your grandchildren. Healing those wounds is an important part of being a grandfather.

It may mean that you need to ask your adult child, “Are there promises I made to you that were never delivered on?” I know it’s a risky move; it’s tough to hear about your own struggles as a father, but what a great first step toward reconciliation. You may want to make excuses or defend yourself, but instead, be open to your child’s perspective, and seek his forgiveness if you need to. Show that your relationship is more important than your own pride.

I know this is tough, but the rewards are far greater than any losses. If you can heal those wounds, your relationship will move into a new, better territory—and a great by-product will be that your adult child will enthusiastically support you being a part of your grandchildren’s lives.

And that can open the door to a season in life that makes the others dull by comparison.
_________________________________________________________________

Dr. Ken R. Canfield is a research scholar specializing in the area of fatherhood and the history of the family. He serves as president of the Kansas City-based National Center for Fathering - a non-profit education and research center dedicated to inspiring and equipping men to be responsible fathers. www.fathers.com

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Laughter

Wedding Rehearsal

uring the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer. 'Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out.'

He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says, 'Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?'

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, 'Yes.'

The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed, 'I thought we had a deal.'

The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, 'She made me a much better offer.'

Explaining Marriage

he child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

'Now do you understand?' he asked.

'I think so,' she said, 'is that when mommy came to work for us?'

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Single Dads

A Harsh Statistic

By Roland Foster

A harsh statistic, which should be sobering and alarming to both legislators and their advisors, but has been largely ignored, is that about 40% of all payer clients held captive by the Child Support Agency (CSA) are effectively unemployed.

Another statistic that appears to have also made no impact on government decision makers is that 76% of all unemployed men receiving unemployment benefits are payer clients of the CSA.  The cost of this to the taxpayer is astronomical.

One possible reason for government inaction in dealing with this problem may well be a lack of understanding of the causal relationship between the CSA and unemployment.

Let me explain it to them.

Consider a non-custodial father with a salary of $70,000 per year who has 30% contact with his 5 children.  He would pay $23,500 income tax and $20,000 to the Child Support Agency, leaving him with $25,700.  If, as is common, an application for a review of his assessment during a precious period of unemployment has resulted in a departure from the CSA formula assessment, he may well find himself with substantial arrears in Child Support.  In such a case the CSA would also take from him about 25% (or $8,245) of the balance of his income to cover the payment of arrears, leaving him with $17,455.  if we deduct from that a reasonable cost of travelling to work, say $100 per week for 48 weeks, he would be left with $12,655 p.a. to support not just himself, but also his 5 children during his 30% contact time.

Meanwhile, his non-working ex-partner with 30% free time (or more likely 70% free time if the children happen to attend school) receives an unearned and tax free income of $39,845 from CSA payments ($20,800), parenting payment ($10,920) and family allowance ($8,125).

Why would a non-custodial father choose to leave his state of unemployment?  During this time he received $17,429 consisting of $10,920 in unemployment benefits and $6,509 family allowance.  He was better able to care for his children while they were with him.  He also regains some control over his life.  Another advantage / disadvantage of being unemployed is that he has created a cost to the taxpayer of $40,929 each year in Centrelink payments and lost taxation revenue.  It is only when the collateral damage caused by the CSA begins to be measured in dollars rather than broken lives will there be any hope of achieving its complete abolition or reform.    Every responsible and decent non-custodial parent should do everything they can to work together for positive reform or abolition of the CSA.  If positive reform of the draconian schedule of payments is not forthcoming, more and more single fathers will join the unemployment queues.

_________________________________________________________

Roland Foster is an non-custodial father, separated since 1997, with 5 young children aged between 7 and 15 years.  Roland is a passionate father and an active social reformer who believes Australia's current laws are contributing to the creation of our fatherless society.

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Special Feature

Marriage Capturing

the

Thoughts

By Ron Hellyer

Have you had those thoughts which don’t seem to go away? Thoughts that are negative and focus on a person, particularly your spouse or family member. Thoughts that rationalise your reasoning – ‘She always does that to annoy me!!’

I think for men, this area is a major issue to control. Men have very active thought processes that are can be stimulated by sight, particularly women. These thoughts can grow, just like planting a seed and watering it.

The more you think about something the more it becomes an issue-sometimes good , sometimes bad.

The trick is knowing the difference and capturing the bad thought and rendering it useless. How? You might ask.

Well, I have no difficulty in having thoughts, and I often have thoughts which I know could develop into an attitude or belief that is detrimental to my relationship with my wife and our marriage.

I have to make a decision not to:

v      allow that thought to nest and grow;

v      take hold of my thinking;

v      become a stronghold which is fed by emotive reaction or selfishness.

The classic thought is the one we have all heard at some point in a conversation where a married man is espousing the virtues of a woman in view and what he might do with her in bed. The woman is not his wife.

Such a thought can grow like wildfire and create a fantasy which is cancerous to marriage.

It is the responsibility of every husband and father to lay boundaries, just as we do with our children, determining what we will not allow to play on our minds. Override these thoughts with good thoughts of your wife and marriage. The privilege of having a wife is a wonderful thing, but there are many things that can come between a man and wife if we let them.

I have learnt many times to give the benefit of the doubt, not to judge and attempt to collect all the facts. It may feel right to be a defender of your rights but you will be a destroyer of your marriage.

Forgiveness based on love, is the fertilizer that grows a healthy marriage and kills the weeds of thinking that men can be exposed to.

__________________________________________________________

Ron Hellyer has been married to Margaret for 25 years and is the  father of five children (plus extras). Ron is management consultant based in Broken Hill , Outback NSW.

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Thought for the Week

Our lives can become stepping stones

or stumbling blocks to the next generation

Jentezen Franklin

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News & Info

Letters

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

We have been reading your e-mails since you came and shared that Sunday with us and want to really encourage you.  The info is very inspiring and helpful so we file it and I intend to pass on some to our daughter's pre/school so they can give it to other parents.

Mostly we just thank God for you.

A & C

__________________________________________________

Why Marriage Matters - National Campaign

The Fatherhood Foundation team are passionate believers in the need to support and protect marriage.  The age old definition of marriage as the voluntary union between a man and a woman for life is under threat by anti-family forces.

The Fatherhood Foundation is working with other key pro-family groups to organise a National Marriage Forum at Parliament House, Canberra on Wednesday 4th August 2004.  We would love you to support this campaign and come to Parliament House on that date and represent your family or fatherhood group to let your voice be heard.

The other way to promote this important issue is to help the Fatherhood Foundation print an Australia version of ‘Why Marriage matters – Twenty One Conclusions from the Social Sciences’.  For more information on how you can help us produce this document please contact or send donations to:

National Marriage Forum

c/- Fatherhood Foundation

PO Box 440

WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520

Ph: 02 4272 6677

_________________________________________________________

Position Vacant

Community Development & Action Research Officer
'Making Men Matter'
(Reference No:  145/04)

The 'Making Men Matter' project is an action research project funded by the Illawarra Area Assistance Scheme and sponsored by Shellharbour City Council.  We are looking for an energetic, resourceful and experienced community development worker for this new project.  The project aims to:
* Map existing programs and services for men of all ages
* Research activities and initiatives in other areas
* Initiate new programs and investigate and report on future directions
* Actively pursue ongoing funding alliances

For further information and a copy of the position description, please see Council's website at www.shellharbour.nsw.gov.au   Alternatively, please contact our Recruitment Line on (02) 4221 6222 (quoting the reference number and position) to arrange for the information to be sent to you.  Specific enquiries may be directed to the Manager Children's Services and Development, Tessa Parsons on (02) 4221 6006.

Tessa Parsons
Manager Child & Family Services
Shellharbour & Kiama Councils
Ph (02) 4221 6170
Fax (02) 4221 6016
Mob 0421 044 152
[email-masked]

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Dad's Prayer

Dear God

Help me deal with the issues in my life,

so that my children

will not have to deal with my mistakes

as well as their own.

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Mission Statement & Help Us!

Mission Statement
The Fatherhood Foundation is a charitable, non profit incorporated association with a goal to inspire men to a greater level of excellence as fathers, by encouraging and educating them, thereby renewing and empowering families.

Click here for more information about us

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation believes that the key to life is giving.  That's why this newsletter is given freely without expectation.  Life is also about relationships.  That's what being a good father is all about, developing relationships with your loved ones.

If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation,

please mail your cheque or money order to:

Fatherhood Foundation

PO Box 440

WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520

AUSTRALIA

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